To share my information with as many people as possible, I decided some time ago to publish my book, *How to Grow Older Without Growing Old*, as blog articles, one chapter at a time. Chapter 4 is titled “Friendships Can Extend Your Lifespan.” If you want to download the entire book in PDF format, you can do so on our website for $4.99.
In her 2016 book, *Cure: A Journey into the Science of Mind Over Body*, Jo Marchant emphasizes the power of friendships, even suggesting that they can extend your lifespan. She references an earlier study of residents in Tecumseh, Southeast Michigan, which revealed that individuals with fewer social relationships and activities were nearly twice as likely to die over the following decade. Social isolation presents a significant health risk. An article in the September/October 2012 issue of *Psychology Today* stated that the strength of your friendships is as crucial to your health as the lifestyle choices you make.
A study by the University of Michigan involving 3,500 participants found that spending more time with friends is linked to higher scores on memory tests. Additionally, interacting with others provides better brain stimulation than screens or television. As Micah Sadigh, associate professor of psychology at Cedar Crest College, emphasizes, strong interpersonal relationships act as a buffer against stress.
An article in the January 2015 issue of Reader’s Digest discussed the Grant Study of Harvard undergraduates conducted by psychiatrist George Vaillant. The study revealed that those who thrived into old age were individuals who learned how to love and be loved. Vaillant suggested that the key to flourishing was the capacity for intimate relationships.
The presence of others can positively influence your mood and productivity. You may find that gathering with people in a coffee shop allows you to draw energy from them. Even the background noise of a coffee shop has been shown to boost creativity. Therefore, if your tasks require working alone in an office, taking periodic “work breaks” at a coffee shop could be a great way to enhance productivity. It also offers a change of pace—David Rock, in his book *Your Brain at Work*, suggests that insights are more likely to occur when people are relaxed and content.
Strong friendships provide significant benefits for both your physical and mental health. The February 2014 issue of Scientific American Mind reported on a quantitative review of numerous studies, concluding that having few friends poses a mortality risk equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. People who have close friends at work tend to be more productive and innovative. Strong social connections are the greatest predictor of overall happiness, and happiness has been linked to increased longevity.
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic suggest that having friends can enhance your sense of belonging and purpose, increase your happiness, reduce stress, boost your self-esteem, and help you cope with traumas such as divorce, serious illness, job loss, or the death of a loved one.
Most people agree that spending time with friends is much more enjoyable than being alone—especially during special occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The power of touch
One study mentioned in the book Younger Next Year involved rabbits stacked in cages up to the ceiling and injected with cholesterol to examine plaque buildup. The rabbits in the lower cages had 60% less plaque than those in the higher cages—a correlation the researchers had not anticipated nor expected to find. It appears that the custodian who fed the rabbits was fond of animals and petted and cared for those she could reach—and they thrived. When they swapped the cages, the rabbits that had been in the higher cages also flourished.
Animals thrive on attention, stroking, and petting, and so do humans, as shown by a study that tracked heart attack victims with and without dogs. Those without a dog were six times more likely to die from a second heart attack. Thus, it’s not only the pet receiving affection that benefits.
According to an Associated Press article in the July 16, 2016, issue of the Telegraph Journal, people in America spent an average of 10 hours and 39 minutes each day using smartphones, tablets, TVs, radios, computers, and video games during the first three months of 2016. This is a full hour more per day than the previous year. This doesn’t leave much time for personal, one-on-one interactions with family and friends. You may be interacting with family and friends on social media, but physical touch is absent.
Hugging, for instance, is believed to fight infection, boost your immune system, ease depression, lessen fatigue, and lower blood pressure and heart rates, according to research rate.
Hugging boosts levels of the neuropeptide oxytocin often referred to as the “cuddle hormone” or the “love hormone.” Oxytocin promotes relaxation and aids in coping skills and hugging is one of the techniques suggested by Gayatri Devi in his book, A Calm Brain, to calm your mind and relieve stress. Neuroeconomist Paul Zak recommends at least eight hugs a day to increase happiness and improve well-being relationships.
As detailed in Susan Greenfield’s book *Mind Change*, researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison had teenagers complete a stressful task, subsequently providing comfort through phone calls, instant messaging, in-person interactions, or no contact at all. Cortisol levels (indicators of stress) and oxytocin (markers of bonding and well-being) were then measured. Those who communicated via phone or in person released similar amounts of oxytocin and equally low levels of cortisol. In contrast, those who interacted with their parents through instant messaging did not release any oxytocin and had cortisol levels as high as those who had no contact with their parents. This suggests that online communication does not provide the emotional support associated with more personal interactions. Similarly, a smiley at the end of an email or social media post can never replace a good old-fashioned hug. Gayatri Devi also described an experiment demonstrating that couples receiving an oxytocin nasal spray were much more likely to listen to each other attentively and affectionately. Perhaps we should hug our partners more often. Dr. Macola (Macola.com) proposes that oxytocin might explain why pet owners recover more quickly from illnesses, why couples tend to live longer than singles, and why support groups benefit individuals with addictions and chronic diseases.
One estimate from Susan Greenfield’s book indicates that we used to spend an average of six hours a day in face-to-face interaction and four hours using electronic media. By 2007, this ratio had reversed, with nearly eight hours spent socializing through electronic media and two and a half hours in face-to-face interaction. Of course, if you’re over 50, you likely aren’t addicted and find it much easier to exchange computer time for time spent with others.
While some people claim that social interaction on social media might boost oxytocin levels, it’s unlikely that it does so to the same degree—especially considering research indicating that the skin has a network of tiny pressure centers sensitive to touch, which are indirectly linked to oxytocin receptors.
There’s nothing new about the benefits of hugging. Since the time of Florence Nightingale, who demonstrated how babies thrive when cuddled, studies have consistently shown that hugging, cuddling, touching, and stroking all have a positive impact on health and well-being. Isolation produces the opposite effect. Returning to an empty house after experiencing your first heart attack doubles the risk of having a second heart attack within a few months. Lonely individuals are twice as likely to develop ulcers.
Companionship is beneficial for everyone—assuming the feelings are mutual.
Don’t work or live in isolation
According to an article in the May/June 2016 issue of Scientific American Mind, close relationships are beneficial for health, and evidence suggests that loneliness or a lack of friends can harm well-being. It can lead to increased mortality, depression, aggression, poor sleep, and high blood pressure.
For over 50 years, we have sought to avoid interruptions from others and isolate ourselves in pursuit of maximum productivity. However, many of these interruptions were actually hidden opportunities that allowed us to foster social relationships.
Businesses have transitioned from private offices to cubicles and, eventually, to fully open office concepts, some featuring only tables and unassigned seating. They have done this to enhance communication, collaboration, creativity, and performance, recognizing the importance of relationships.
Our brains are designed to link unrelated information and ideas to generate innovative solutions to difficult problems. With limited interaction with others, our creativity becomes restricted. We would not possess mirror neurons, which allow us to empathize and communicate more effectively with others if we were intended to spend the majority of our day in isolation. As Matthew Lieberman argues in his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, research has shown that our brains are fundamentally connected to other people.
Isolating yourself in a home or office all day to get work done can negatively impact both your effectiveness and health. You need regular energy, experience, and input from others to perform at your best. The Internet and social media cannot substitute for the value of personal interaction with others.
Joshua Wolf Shank, writing in the January 2017 issue of Real Simple magazine, argues that most innovation stems from remarkable partnerships rather than individual ideas. He suggests that many people could benefit from taking social risks.
If you find yourself working in isolation, be sure to stay connected with colleagues, visit a coffee shop during breaks, engage with others on social media, and cultivate meaningful relationships outside of work.
Choose your friends carefully
“A bad mood is contagious, according to Gary Lewandowski, Jr., an associate professor of psychology at Monmouth University. Unknowingly, you pick up on others’ nonverbal behaviors and tend to mimic them, much like yawning. (This phenomenon is more likely to occur when the person yawning is someone close to you.) Similarly, you can absorb their high energy or low energy, positivity or negativity, and enthusiasm or lethargy.”
As if coping with the risks of second-hand smoke isn’t already bad enough, research now suggests that second-hand stress can also negatively impact our productivity and health. The idea that stress can be contagious, and that our emotions and actions are influenced by those around us, is supported by studies showing the presence of a type of brain cell known as mirror neurons, which seem to reflect the actions and feelings of others.
Our mirror neurons activate whether we are performing a specific action or someone else is. This allows us to relate to others to the extent that we can understand why they are taking that action. This empathy also extends to emotions. So if you cringe at the sight of someone getting hurt, empathize with a friend who is grieving, or feel uncomfortable when a close friend is upset and anxious, you can attribute it to these specialized brain cells. It’s no wonder our mothers advised us to steer clear of obnoxious people, surround ourselves with positive friends, and show kindness to others.
When my mother said, “This hurts me as much as it hurts you,” she wasn’t lying. Studies show that the pain we experience when others are hurt activates the same areas of the brain that are involved when we feel pain ourselves. Furthermore, there is a fine line between physical pain and emotional pain. In her book, *How the Body Knows Its Mind*, Sian Beilock explains that a daily dose of Tylenol can reduce the emotional pain that often comes with social teasing, rejection, or being spurned.
This not only explains why we sometimes sense “bad vibes” from people we encounter, but it also demonstrates that we can positively influence others—whether they are family, friends, or business associates—by being kind, caring, compassionate, and cheerful.
Choose your associations wisely, as you can absorb their negative moods just as easily as their positive ones. Avoid toxic individuals whenever possible, and trust your intuition when engaging in business with someone.
According to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, referenced in the January 2018 issue of Prevention.com, if your closest friends gain weight, your likelihood of gaining weight may increase by 57%.
So, choose friends who will positively impact your life.
Social websites are not a complete waste of time
Not wanting to leave the impression that social media is the main time consumer, I should point out that television, the most popular leisure activity in North America and Europe, occupies over half of our free time and is often criticized for detracting from our personal friendships and relationships with others.
Initially, the Internet faced similar accusations, and it still does at times. In 1998, studies indicated that the more people used the Internet, the less they communicated with their families and friends, resulting in increased feelings of loneliness and depression. However, several years later, with the rise of social networking sites, this trend began to change.
Facebook, the largest social networking site, was launched at Harvard University in 2004. By 2009, more than 250 million people in 170 countries and territories across every continent were using the site, with nearly half of its users visiting daily. In 2014, Facebook reported having 1.32 billion active users who spent an average of 40 minutes each day on the platform. By 2025, this number had increased to over 3 billion users. Additionally, Facebook Messenger boasts over 979 million monthly users.
While 40 minutes a day may seem significant, it pales in comparison to the 5 hours a day spent watching television. Additionally, there is often more social interaction on Facebook than when one is glued to a TV set. Every hour, millions of friend requests are sent in that same timeframe. Although online friends differ from personal, face-to-face friendships, many do become genuine friends when they meet and spend time together in person.
This is significant because friendships are linked to benefits ranging from enhanced health and well-being to increased longevity. In his book, Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect (Random House, 2013), Matthew Lieberman describes a survey conducted in 1985 in which participants were asked, “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?” The most common number of friends reported was three. However, when the same survey was conducted in 2004, the most common number of friends listed was zero. We should actively do everything possible to maintain balance in our lives, as noted in my eBook, How to Keep Your Life in Balance, published by Bookboon.com.
There is a common expression about mindfulness that suggests, “Wherever you are, be there.” It’s interesting to observe how many people seem more interested in their devices than in each other. Whether in restaurants, on commuter trains, in shopping malls or while walking, it’s astounding to see how little communication actually exists between partners.
The sheer amount of time people spend on the Internet must be taking away from real-world communication. It may be time to trade a few hundred friends on Facebook for a few more hours of quality time with those you truly love.
While the Internet can often be a time waster, social media is better than having no relationships at all.
You shouldn’t work and live in isolation; friendships can extend your lifespan. How you interact with others—through communication, networking, socializing, and collaborating—affects your health and well-being. The greater the quantity and quality of your relationships, the longer you are likely to live. That’s the conclusion we draw from examining the research in this area. Strong relationships can lengthen your life, boost your immune system, and reduce the risk of depression.
Spend more time with people and less time with things.
Time spent on things seems to pass faster than time spent with people. Cultivate friendships and be generous with your time when interacting with others. In her book The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin references a study showing that sharing activities with someone is always more enjoyable than doing them alone, whether it’s exercising, commuting, or completing housework. Of the fifteen daily activities, researchers found that the only one people preferred to do alone was prayer.
Unfortunately, it seems that people are becoming busier each year, not with the meaningful, goal-oriented priorities we’ve been discussing, but with the overwhelming number of trivial distractions added to their lives. People should be included in your planner alongside tasks, projects, and activities. Create a list of the individuals you truly enjoy spending time with. How much time did you spend with those individuals over the past week? Last month? Last year? There’s a good chance that some people—perhaps even family members—are being pushed out of your life because of your busyness.
Be cautious not to let the important people in your life be overshadowed by trivial things. Our choices in life have expanded exponentially over the past decade. We can browse the Internet, take photos with smartphones, play games on our laptops, scan hundreds of channels on our cutting-edge flat-screen TVs, send emails with our latest upgraded iPhones, and Skype friends in Italy while checking our Facebook messages, ad infinitum. We could spend a lifetime reading instruction manuals for electronic devices and household gadgets. I have outlined the pitfalls of technology, not just the benefits, in my eBook, Managing the Use of Technology, published by Bookboon.com.
It’s a life filled with choices, and the problem is that there are too many of them. If we aren’t careful, our actions may not reflect our true values. We must ensure that we don’t lose sight of what matters important.
Think about that list of people, for example. To ensure you spend enough time with them, make commitments now. Schedule time in your planner for coffee, lunch, or a night out next week or next month. Never end a conversation with a good friend by saying, “Let’s get together sometime.” Instead, say, “Let’s schedule a time when we can meet.” Then make sure to follow through on it.
If you want to download the entire book, How to Grow Older Without Growing Old in PDF format, you can do so on our website for $4.99.
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